


I Will Not Be Bullied By You

by LucentPetrichor



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Angst, Other, Poor Loki, he doesn't UNDERSTAND, i'm so very sorry, it's like a sea of angst, my poor baby... i put you through so much, odin you utter arse, so much angst..., the guy has potential but the thing is, this is more of a character study really..., thor... well we'll get onto thor eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 21:30:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/423458
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucentPetrichor/pseuds/LucentPetrichor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A lifetime of pain in an instant.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Not Be Bullied By You

**Author's Note:**

> Got hit by feels... We'll leave it at that.

The split second after those words escaped Loki’s mouth, he regretted them. Not because of the look that entered the Hulk’s eyes, oh no. Because they hung before him; thick, heavy and poisonous, full of memories and bile.

“I will not be bullied by you...” They echoed in Loki’s infinitely vast and lonely mind, bouncing off thoughts, revealing half buried images that he would really rather have remained forgotten.

After watching his fath – no... After watching Odin falling into the Odinsleep, calling the guards, he remembers confronting his mother. His mother who claimed to love him unconditionally but said nothing to defend him. Nothing as Loki was made a mockery of during his childhood by his cousins for his dark yet pale colouring, his speech, his wit. Oh, of course, she comforted when Loki ran sobbing into her arms, insisting that she loved him and that there was nothing wrong with him; she scolded the unfortunates who bullied him; she taught him so so much, but was that simply because of her motherly duty? It wasn’t enough. It was never enough; Loki craved more. There was always another who occupied her love, it was never just him. It would never be just him that her love belonged to.  There was always at least one other, and nothing would ever change that. And when Loki Laufeyson, trickster god extraordinaire, perpetually second best, the odd one out confronted his mother for answers, he finally got them. That was what hurt the most; the fact that he had been without answers for all this time yet now – when his ‘brother’ had been banished, and his ‘father’ was comatose – he got them, almost as if Frigga only now felt she **owed** him answers.

Another memory, “I’m not your brother, I never was...” spat out with such rage and pain that there was no way it could have been anything but a lie. Loki had adored his brother. Past tense. There was a fine line between adoration and loathing and Loki owned property on both sides of the line. He hero worshipped his older brother in their youth. Thor was literally the golden boy, shining in the Asgardian sunlight, dazzling, charming, beloved. Beloved as he would never be by his mother, accepted as he would never be by his father. Even the love his brother supposedly felt for him was false. Probably. No, not probably. It was. He didn’t belong; he wasn’t Aesir, he was Jotunn and blood was thicker than water, no matter what his pathetic brother said... And yet...

“I’m the monster who parents tell their children about at night?” Loki knew he was different; he had an aptitude for magic that was far beyond any of the Aesir at such a young age. He always knew that there were those who feared him, those who were suspicious of them, but he ignored them. People talked, that was what they did; it was just idle gossip, wasn’t it? But there was always an undercurrent of menace somewhere there, a frisson, if you will. And this confirmed it. And it broke him. “The monster”. Even he had grown up on tales of how the Jotunn were to be feared, to never be trusted, that they would kill you as soon as look at you... He blamed Thor for this. If his stupid **stupid** brother had never insisted on leading an utterly **pointless** raid to Jotunnheim, Loki would never have had his Jotunn side unlocked in the way it had been. Oh, no doubt, it would have surfaced eventually, but this was so... so brutal. There was a part of him that loved the brutality, the violent revelation and that knowledge terrified him to his very core, but it was an ecstatic kind of fear; something he very nearly craved more of. And there was another part of him that shrank away from it, that still longed for acceptance... that part of him was hidden most of the time, surfacing only when he was at his lowest point; jerking him awake, unconscious tears on his face on the rare occasions he managed to sleep.

A recent recollection flashed in front of his eyes. “Did you mourn me?” He was trying so very hard to mock his oaf of a brother but the odd thing was, that question in particular just slipped out and the mocking tone was barely able to mask the desperation in his heart. Why did he care so much what that pack of wolves thought of him? What did he care if they mourned? It’s hard to turn your back on those who took you in and raised you as their own, though. So much pain, so much which could have been avoided... But it wasn’t avoided. And Loki remembers Odin’s face as he hangs over a wormhole. He remembers pleading, begging for his father to acknowledge his greatness, just for one fucking time, to be as great as Thor. Then two fateful words that tear Loki’s heart straight out of his chest and crush it: “No, Loki.” He falls into the cold, crushing embrace of the wormhole, and he doesn’t really ever stop falling.

It may have only been a split second before the giant green brute grabbed him and proceeded to literally wipe the floor with him, but that was enough time for a lifetime of pain to flash through the god’s mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews etc. appreciated; don't worry, I'm a big girl, I can handle criticism.


End file.
